My Proposed Bailout Plan - Economy of Scales

Hello, my friends. Today, America is in a financial crisis. It comes as a total surprise to each and every one of those people to whom we, as Americans, have placed our trust and confidence to keep such things from happening. They were just shocked, shocked, to discover that today, we're in a financial crisis. They had absolutely no idea. Really. But they do have the solution to solve the problem. Trust them. That's why we have our faith and confidence in these people. Because, unlike our motley little selves, these people know how to handle this kind of emergency. Really. They didn't see it coming, but now that it's here, they have a plan. And all it will cost us, the taxpayers, is a mere $700 billion.

I'll bet you $1 million you can't summon in your head what 700 billion one dollar bills looks like. Just try.

See? You can't. So you owe me $1 million. Just send me the check. (Wow, if all seven readers of this column sends me $1 million, that would be. . . let's see. . . um, well, it would be a lot).

But none of this is what I'm here to say today, my friends. Today, I'm here to propose an addendum to the bailout plan (since at least one of the presidential candidates has a new plan every day, I can propose at least an addendum and still be in bounds, right?). And here is my proposal, my friends.

Since we have $700 billion to play with, and since the people doing the playing are the very same people who didn't see this financial collapse coming, why not just set aside $1 billion of that money, a trifling little tiny percentage of the overall amount, barely a ripple, and give it to the musicians of America? And let the musicians have control over how it gets spent, too, please. No bald financial geniuses from Goldman Sachs who have presided over capitalism's demise because they either knew and didn't say or they just didn't know that their colleagues were also either crooked or stupid or both. No, let this special $1 billion go into a private, musicians-only account. Let the people who actually still have hair figure out how to spend this portion of the dough.

And here's how I would propose we spend it, my friends.

First, let's set aside $250 million for a special fund for jazz musicians. This would permit each and every jazz musician in America to supplement their present income of $548.35 annually. They could each get, say, $2,000 in tax free cash. Jazz musicians could live for many years on $2,000. They could finally get that oil change they've been needing for the last couple of years. And they could buy new reeds. Windfall city. Yeah, baby.

Let's give the blues players $500 million. This is because there are probably 10 blues players (or at least those who claim to be blues players) for every jazz cat. Like jazzers, blues players don't need a lot as individuals, since we're used to living on crumbs. But it would be nice to have a little bit of a supplement coming in for jam nights and stuff like that. For every shuffle in A that we have to play, we could get a $100 check from the fund.

Heavy metal players, who tend to a willingness to pay club owners to play, could also be required to pay into this special fund, to keep it going. We all thank you, metal players.

Punks can't get paid. They would be sellouts if they did. SHUT UP, PUNKS!!!

Singer songwriters could use the fund for therapy. Trust me, this would be a huge burden on the fund.

Opera singers should probably get paid, but if they did, it could cause serious shock and even heart attack. Let's discuss this later.

Classical players already get paid, but if you knew how much you would either laugh hysterically or cry pathetically. These folks work their whole lives, and practice eight hours every single day, to perform miracles of music. And they have a union. And despite all that, the money they get for all this dedication is. . . well, let's just say they should get a hefty hunk of this capital.

New hats and jeans and haircuts for the country artists. They're doing pretty well right now, so perhaps for these folks, we should let the market work its magic.

Hip hoppers and R&Bers, you folks have been riding the top of the chart wave for 20 years, and it doesn't look like you're coming down any time soon, so if you don't mind, we'll just leave you folks out of the free money fund for the time being. In fact, you and the country folks should hook up and have a giant party. Please invite me. I would love to be a fly on the wall at THAT party. Imagine a conversation between Kenny Chesney and Fifty Cent.

Anyway, I've probably left out lots of musicians, and if so I apologize. I'm writing this in a hurry. I'm waiting for a call from the Treasury Department. I've left several messages already, and frankly I'm shocked, shocked that they haven't yet returned my call. When I get the check for the musician's bailout plan, I'll let you know.

Meanwhile, keep playing, keep listening, and keep paying. Attention, that is.